Monday, January 30, 2012

My submissions to the Eclectic

After 24 weeks of 10 poetry entries a week and no poetry experience..

Number1

Promise to an Army Wife

On a route with tolls and restricted use

on private roads, and far off lands,

I promised you McIntosh, our safe haven.

I promised liberty, the eagle to represent:

triumph, humility and faith.

It doesn’t matter where I’m placed,

what topography. But, only kept

promise to always find home where Sycamore

shares your nectar tongue, your voice peached

like a southern belle. We’ll share the distance

until fifteen hours, nine hundred and forty four miles

finds our fairytale glass slipper.



Number2

Finger Prints

I have a secret kept between a 1,000 Egyptian threads,

hoisting the dirty dead with their hands,

waiting for my skin to clean and tear away.

Bruises on my thigh garter like laced ink

on the floor, cold and bare. Stripped 2-3 inches wide

around the waist, I feel like waste as wild-eyes

theorize my missing: a column in Cosmopolitan.

I am a broken beauty, components of pigments, oils,

and intestinal remains, no one remained,

no one could be identified, and no one remembered

three weeks later the things out in this world,

where most things disappear, driven into ground,

you are ground.



Number 3

Family Photo Day

8:45 a.m. I'm blue printing an ensemble,
preparing to match my genetic offspring,
flattering my wife—Debora; a genus
in the rose family, I eye the pear
shape of her body, region throughout the world
and surrender to casualties.
Today my family will be frozen,
made into preserves as well as dried
for memorabilia.
With strawberry whitened teeth,
we'll fold perfection like the bath linen
expected after laundry day, that washed
away the previous night of beer, football,
and unpleasant smells, compared to skunk
spray or sewage.
Us men husked like Durian, kinged forbidden
the whole experience, partied until
my allotted funds ran out at 11:13 p.m.
I returned home as told, and my wife
she smiled with no effort satisfaction.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Junk Yard

"When I buy clothes from the Good Will I like to wear them without washing them first. It's how I build my immunity to poverty."

Response 24, Week 12

I think earlier this semester it was you that wrote a poem that included the word mahogany.. not sure but I just love that word lol

Anyway I'm not entirely sure what is going on in this poem. Is it a sexual relationship at work maybe? A borderline sexual harassment case? Anyway I think some lines could be condensed and there could be an opening to go off topic that provides more background information after line 4. Maybe a letter in the briefcase that introduces the other character that is being outlined by the curves. I just know nothing about this other person. And actually now that I read this piece I think both characters could be more established. But this is a great draft.

Response 23, Week 12

Lol you do have an obsession with sexual content and colors. Perhaps you should consider hanging out with Trista? I think that was her name because she definitely has a grasp of the sexual language, her poems were awesome.

Anyway, I really like this draft and the transitions especially in the first stanza. Lines 3-5 I just love the play of words.

I don't know if I like the ending of this piece because to me its just another explanation of the desensitized prostitute. I think it would be interesting if you made the character in this piece excited for this job. I mean she kind of seemed excited for the idea in the beginning of the piece and then by the end its like... actually this job would suck. I don't know if you've ever been to a strip club but the women there may physically be there but when you watch their face.... they are mentally checked out. I think it would be more of a challenge to convince a reader that being a prostitute is an appealing/exciting job.

Anyway I thought that would be an interesting/different and challenging perspective.

Overall thought I had fun reading this piece.. I really like "whispering destined jargon deciphered only through touch--like brail"

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Inventory 12, Week 12

Gerald Stern

The Dancing

In all these rotten shops, in all this broken furniture

and wrinkled ties and baseball trophies and coffee pots

I have never seen a post-war Philco

with the automatic eye

nor heard Ravel’s “Bolero” the way I did

in 1945 in that tiny living room

on Beechwood Boulevard, nor danced as I did

then, my knives all flashing, my hair all streaming,

my mother red with laughter, my father cupping

his left hand under his armpit, doing the dance

of old Ukraine, the sound of his skin half drum,

half fart, the world at last a meadow,

the three of us whirling and singing, the three of us

screaming and falling, as if we were dying,

as if we could never stop—in 1945—

in Pittsburgh, beautiful filthy Pittsburgh, home

of the evil Mellons, 5,000 miles away

from the other dancing—in Poland and Germany—

oh God of mercy, oh wild God.


>This is one sentence long and 19 lines long

>Line 17 uses Pittsburgh twice

>The last line repeats the word God

>There are 17 commas

>There are 4 —

>Line 5 seems to be the first transition in the piece and it transitions into a memory

>

Junk Yard 48, Week 12

This is what I have learned from working with Attorneys....
They DO NOT like to repeat themselves...


On the way to the masquerade !!! The end of the world party is bout to go down! Leh go

I'm so glad my car's broken because now I don't have to carry my bothersome key everywhere!

COUNTDOWN BEGINS: 7 days until I'm at the Plantation sunning & drinking with my family, my boy, & my darling Toddy! EEEEEE. & hearts. can hardly contain my sexxxcitement. gona beach my post-thanksgiving beluga self in the sand and pretend i dont have finals. EEEEEEEE.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Junk Yard 47, Week 12

I'm sure my eyeballs just fell out of my face. HEYYYYY finals!

I'm not criticizing him, per se, merely noticing discrepancies in his artistic and critical writings.

Etiquette Rule #1- Do not answer the phone while you are cuddling, then tell the person that called you that THAT is what you are doing. It definitely makes the reason for you calling them AWKWARD!

Reminds me of a smile in the back of my memory... Wonder if I see her again, will she remember me?

You see 11 condoms i see 11 minutes of my life I'm not getting back... :)..... :| .... :/ .... :(

My rhyme lines flow sweeter than swine,
So any mic that I find, I got the right to be hogging it.
Talking shit, loud mouth, wyle out- starting it,
Alcoholic slaughtering my vocab department.
So pardon if my talking is slurred,
Pants sagging, hands grabbing on my nuts, clutch sparking my herb.

hipster jenna drinks coffee outside in downtown athens on her macbook pro, pretending like she has important things to be learning/looking up, while thinking about how chickens are not nuggets and the birds in the bushes behind me can share my bread with me, and pondering the one expensive beer i will have tonight (1554, because i liked it before it was cool, and uve probably never heard of it before lol) while acting like im too cool for everyone (wait i am, ha). lolz