November 2, 2011, a note, I lay posted
face down againsts the concrete—ink
smeared Dearest Christopher, I love you.
A cliché in the wind, I am a lost message
trafficing beneath the soles of the educated,
spiraled in the tornado leaves—winded
by the voice of a process forming new images,
a girl dressed forest green with shin high boots
discovered me grounded under a fallen brick
that had pitied the ending of a fire, that had birthed
from a stack of Pannington Seeds and ignited
as kerosene from her words that broke his heart.
Inked from her veins, she felt nothing as the last script
of his life ashed in the wind, she had minded
those who have not been experienced,
helped those who have been seen,
dfnakjfhjdks
I am a combination
of invoked fantasy and the slightest truth
Umm I've got a meeting to attend and I have no idea what it is I have just written? I'm kind of a lost and not done with this yet...
Ugh. Finish this, I loved this. I will admit that the message of the post-it was a little heavy--I don't care how in love I am, I generally avoid using "dearest" because even outside of poetry it's cheesy, but the rest of it seems to be ok because then you acknowledge how cheesy and unimportant the note was. I love the imagery that comes along with it--a note traveling in the wind:
ReplyDelete"trafficking beneath the soles" (reconsider "the educated," maybe just soles of students)
"spiraled in tornado leaves"
Shave down on unnecessary articles. I am in love with some of the verbs from lines 9-13, even though the meaning of the lines gets lost on me I feel like the images these verbs create are strong enough to create their own meaning.
By the time you hit the random letters you have successfully lost me. I'm going to need you cut the random letters out and elaborate on the abstractions--what fantasy and what truth? Perhaps continue shaping out the situation and explain how the note came to be outside in the first place. It seems there was an ending to the relationship of some kind. Please elaborate on this as well. Is there anything else on the note? Maybe you can include the bits of note in and out of the piece.
The point is, I'd really like to see another draft of this. Please? Hope this helps.
lol I just re-read this comment and the djafldjkf wasn't apart of the piece.. it was where I had originally stopped and then I thought up a couple more words to fit but couldn't figure out where to put them so I left it so I wouldn't forget.
ReplyDeletesoooo IDK where to go with this.. I don't know what to write about... ideas?
ReplyDelete