Response 3, Week 2

Kyley,

You definitely have some interesting words in this piece. I mean as Diamond had mentioned "Chunky Chains," it's so bizarre! It just attracts you and throws your senses a little off balance. I love it.

I would also have to agree with Diamond on the line breaks. The words all just kind of get lost in the way they are carried. But I'm not going to try to make the same notes as Diamond but she did explain things quite well.

But I think you can chunk a lot of the filler words like: when, the, in, etc. and make the words a little more effective. For example instead of "Remember when the tap of the pencil in the desolate room matched our heart beats?"
You could cut when, the, and in. Perhaps producing: Remember tapping pencils matched our heart beats. Or maybe even take out more...
Remember tapping pencils
matched heartbeats
sitting
listening
These words don't need the help of when, the, etc. And I think there should be more play with punctuation for how the words are read.

For this piece I feel a little too lost. I know we're suppose to stimulate thoughts but it might have been a little too much.I keep wondering if you have this amazingly detailed picture in your head about this piece and you condensed the thoughts too much? Because I can't seem to follow.

I do enjoy the darker feel towards fairy tales and I'm not sure the message you are trying to portray but I feel like this poem is meant to remind you of childhood fantasies that carry to adulthood. And how females think of relationships. How we were raised expecting our prince to live by the standards of chivalry. And we expect to be treated as princesses but of course fairy tales are not real. And while we have these selfish expectancy it makes it harder for us to find functioning relationships.

And with the line "You want to be Prince Charming to a damsel in distress, but are we not all ugly inside?" I thought the issue of girls perceiving most guys as pigs because they think between the legs. Or girls who use guys because both can be ugly inside especially when there is motives.

I definitely think this piece has some great potential it just needs a little polishing and experimentation.