Is the second stanza on the add on to this piece? Ha that sounds weird... anyway I was too lazy to flip back to the original draft and just noticed the large space between the second and first.
This is really interesting... Is this a version of Hansel and Gretel with a Religious twist? I only say because you've got the kids and the goods (baking goods), and the witch (which seems to be the virgin Mary). This piece has a Hansel and Gretel tale but in a deeper meaning seems to express a relationship between a mother and a daughter. It was really weird the way this piece made me feel lol but not in a bad way!
The Break between stanzas two and three.. I'm not sure it works... it seems a little too odd. Maybe keep memories in stanza two and cut "of a time" and begin the third stanza with "My mother made me jelly sandwiches..." (lol is this stanza part of the piece we worked shopped earlier this semester or you just really like pbj sandwiches?) Ok on the next part "My mother taught me me when I forgot myself" Maybe put a comma before the second me because reading "me me" sounds weird and makes me get lost..
" I tossed and shriveled on a metal gurney" I love this line!! so cool.
"her crows feet in years" I feel like this is talking about the mothers eyes and I feel like Crows feet is a little cliche and could probably do with out.
I like the closing to the introduction but in the middle I get a little lost in the significance of the events to the story.. I think its mostly I don't get what is happening.. The third stanza is where I start to get lost and then by the ending I'm back. I guess I didn't understand how we went from sandwich to a jacket and so on... what were the significance to the story?
Anyway I enjoyed the piece. A different way to look at a fairy tale.
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