For Diamond
You have a lot of interesting language going on in this piece. It still feels like you have too much of your own emotion in it. Perhaps try not to think of yourself or your ex (He sucks anyway). I really liked what you did today during class as you paid attention to the language and created this character and story of your own.
SIDE TRACK- Oh and before I forget.. something interesting I noticed about this piece is where you said "The screams, the noise, God, my noise" it reminded me of Chri's piece that we just worked shop when he talked about Gwen Steffani or however you spell her name. But I thought it was cool because maybe we do all kind of feed off each others work including the writers we read.
Anyway from the start of the piece it feels like you are grabbing experiences with your ex and telling us how he hurt you.I could be wrong but since I know it influenced your first draft I feel like I'm reading this piece as a heartbreak. I say forget about him and trying to make this a heart break piece and just pull your favorite parts out and write a completely different story. I really liked: the atom juice of my basic joy, smallest levels of animalism and awkwardness,Tuesday panties.
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