Response 7, Week 4

For Samurai improv week 3

This was very intresting to me because I can relate. I ran varsity track and field and cross country for 6 years. I even started college with a scholarship for running until I quit. But anyway enough of me. I think you have a foundation for a great poem. But first I am curious what poem you chose to improv off?

The reason I say this is a great foundation for a great poem is because you have drawn some intresting language from a bus ride home from a track meet. Like "Sticky skin, ratted wind blown hair," it grabs your attention. I think the ratted wind blown hair could maybe be condesed a little more to ratted blown hair. It leaves a little more imagination as to how it was blown.
I am not sure I see the full picture taking place between lines 3 and 4. Maybe you could add a little more description? However "butts fly" is not something I hear everyday so that threw my senses off which I think is an effective mechanism if that is what you are going for.
I think this poem could expand a lot if you go into further description of what happens durning the ride home or you could even mix the actual race into the ride. Maybe play with senese of audio (guns, crowds, etc) visual (lines on the track, uniforms of competitors, etc) or even feel of throbbing legs or tired lungs. Track events have so much going on and you could keep this poem flowing. Also like Davidson said there could be more than one thing going on in a poem you could be writing about track and the bus ride home and a relationship with a dog (just a random topic thrown out there) all at once. This could help create a poem you wouldn't think possible.