I did not skip the introduction because you seem pretty fun to read.Anyway I enjoyed your poem. I liked the energetic imagery drawing illustrations to the thoughts of my mind.The punctuation mechanics were a little much for me when it came to the -- . I can't think of a valid discernment other than too much.
I think lines 12-14 could be condensed a little with the tree/leaves descriptions.
Maybe like:
Brown with age they crunch like cockroaches;
flourishing life in the returning spring
raising a cacophony remember...
But I do not know it is just a suggestion.
"time doesn't just end at the junction of seconds;instead, it flickers endlessly both backwards and forwards and at the most inconvenient times, it plucks the chords tied to my senses in the most painful way possible"
AND
"the husk of shoes that have been stripped soleless"
are probably my favorite parts of your piece I just love their descriptive use.
Well those were just a few thoughts :)
Hey, thanks for the feedback. So, for you, the dashes become a bit much? I was afraid of that after I went back to reread. I may bring this back in a later post with a more up to date version. I should cut back on dashes and--like you have said--condense some of the poem.
ReplyDeleteI was sure you were going to tell me that the title had absolutely nothing to do with the poem also. It doesn't have anything to do with it at all, by the way. I made the title before the poem, and kept it anyway. I have no idea why I do that so often.
Glad you liked it overall! Looking forward to reading your work as well.